Absolute garbage. That’s all I can say. Despite starring the super-sexy Jason Statham (The Transporter), the only man ever to look good with a bald spot, Crank was just terrible. The movie’s creators seemed to have done a wholesale ripoff of director Tony Scott’s (Domino)movie-making style, with much less success.

Statham stars as Chev Chelios, a hitman with one hour to live. He’s been injected with a poisonous concoction that inhibits his body’s ability to produce adrenaline. He must do any and everything possible to boost his adrenaline, because [paraphrase] “if he stops, he’s dead.” Okay, I know the plot sounds like it has the potential to make for a good movie, but it’s just an excuse to watch Chelios run around half-cocked on a revenge mission. Don’t get me wrong, Crank has its perversely entertaining moments. He snorts coke, chops off a guy’s hand, and literally screws his girlfriend (Amy Smart of Road Trip, The Butterfly Effect) in the middle of Chinatown, all to increase his adrenaline. This movie was just terrible. I didn’t expect much to begin with, but it was worse than I ever imagined. The teenage boys who sat in front of me in the theater thought it was great, but if you don’t fall into the 16-19 male demographic, I suggest you take a pass on Crank. It was an hour and a half of my life I can never get back.

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