I’ll cut to the chase and state upfront that this was easily the worst movie I’ve seen all year. Jason Statham (The Bank Job, Snatch) returns as Chev Chelios, hunted hitman. When we last left him he was hurtling toward the earth after being thrown from a plane. Guess what? He’s still alive. That right there should be proof enough that this flick was beyond ridiculous. This time around some Asian mafioso types replace his heart with an artificial one. They implant his heart into the local crime boss, an old gangster on his last leg. Chelios spends the entire movie trying to survive long enough to get his heart back. The problem is that his artificial heart is not designed to last for more than 48 hours. He’s equipped with some sort of battery pack that measures his heart’s remaining “juice,” kinda like bars on a cell phone. When he gets down to one bar, he better re-charge or he’ll die. He starts kicking ass all over town and reunites with his old girl from the first movie, Eve (Amy Smart, The Butterfly Effect). The movie continues to devolve as the pair enjoys a public romp in an effort to keep Chelios’ heart pumping overtime. This time they knock boots on a racetrack in front of thousands of people. I’m not sure there was any real point to this scene, other than to be absurd.
Much like its predecessor, Crank: High Voltage is a movie best enjoyed by 12 year old boys. It was over the top, from start to finish. Oh sure, it was cool to see Chelios open up a can on people – but eventually the movie just becomes laughable. From Chelios electrocuting himself repeatedly, to surviving numerous assorted ass-whoopings and mishaps, the movie was a joke. And maybe that’s the point. I hope they aren’t aiming for a trilogy, though sadly it appeared that the ending left room for the possibility.