Penelope Cruz | Fast Lane Film

I’ve always loved a good mystery. When I was a kid I used to read Encyclopedia Brown, Nancy Drew and the like. I marveled at the mental dexterity and nearly prescient reasoning those young sleuths displayed. Moreover, there’s just something about a good mystery that feels comforting, yet thrilling. Couple my affinity for mystery with an enjoyment of ensemble films, and there was no way I’d miss Murder on the Orient Express. It was a treat to watch our charming protagonist, the affably eccentric Hercule Poirot in action, extracting information from suspects both willing and unwilling.

Although some viewers may be familiar with Poirot (Kenneth Branagh, Dunkirk), the film begins with an effective introduction to the genteel gumshoe, as he solves a theft by uncovering the smallest, most inconspicuous clue. Watching Poirot is like a master class in crime solving. His reputation precedes him, and those being interrogated often police themselves, dispensing with lies without bothering to try to stump the ever-observant Poirot. When our vaunted detective finds himself aboard the Orient Express, the stage is set. Poirot is headed to London to consult on a homicide, but not before meeting a colorful cast of characters aboard the train, one of whom will become a victim themselves.

Most notable among the passengers are Edward Ratchett (Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales), a seedy underworld type running from a mysterious foe, along with Dr. Arbuthnot (Leslie Odom Jr.) and his companion Mary (Daisy Ridley, Star Wars: The Force Awakens), two acquaintances who are curiously pretending to be strangers, and Caroline Hubbard (Michelle Pfeiffer, Mother!) a saucy older woman looking for a good time. Rounding out the bunch are an assortment of other passengers, including a wealthy grand dame (Judi Dench, Victoria and Abdul), a religious domestic worker (Penelope Cruz, Zoolander 2), and Mr. Ratchett’s assistant Hector MacQueen (Josh Gad, Beauty and the Beast).

Quite simply, the crux of the movie is the murder of one of the dozen or so passengers. The ambience of the confined space and the proximity of the guests to one another make for a taut and suspenseful journey. I found myself trying to think as Poirot, to observe as he did. Nothing was what it appeared to be, and the storyline kept me in suspense without being intellectually dishonest. While the pacing and emphasis on dialogue won’t appeal to everyone, I never lost interest thanks in large part to Kenneth Branagh’s jovial turn. He seemed to relish the role, and it was fun to watch him be the smartest person in the room. Or in this case, on the train.

Murder on the Orient Express will appeal more to grandmothers than millennials, due to its slow pace and the genteel nature of its protagonist. It wasn’t an action-packed nonstop thrill ride; it was a quiet, enjoyable film for those who enjoy a good mystery. This won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but if the trailer piqued your curiosity at all, I think you’ll be pleased.

Grade: B+

Have you ever left a movie theater and asked yourself what the hell just happened? Ridley Scott’s The Counselor left me confused and disappointed, despite a red-hot cast and seemingly entertaining plot. The ingredients were top-shelf, but the final dish left me unsatisfied. Let’s examine briefly why I thought this would have been a good movie, that way if you were intrigued by the same factors – I can save you the trouble of buying a movie ticket or even watching the bootleg.

Michael Fassbender (Prometheus) is a very talented actor. He has the versatility to do mainstream movies like those of the X-Men franchise, but also the gravitas to take on movies like Shame, where he blew me away with a raw, intense performance. Penelope Cruz (Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides) and Javier Bardem (Skyfall) are Academy Award winning actors, and Cameron Diaz has plenty of hits under her belt. Brad Pitt is, well…Brad Pitt. The cast clearly pulled me in, but I also like movies of this type. Crime-themed, maybe a little on the violent and sexy side. Check, check, and check. Imagine my dismay when it became clear to me that The Counselor was a turd.

Fassbender stars in the title role, and we never get his real name. Everyone annoyingly refers to him as “Counselor,” which stops being clever relatively quickly. Cruz is featured as Laura, his adoring fiancé who is naïve to her lover’s questionable legal ventures. Presumably to keep his beloved in the lifestyle to which she is accustomed, or perhaps just due to good old-fashioned greed – the Counselor decides to participate in a questionable transaction with a high-level drug kingpin. Javier Bardem is Reiner, the client who helps broker the unseen deal. Cameron Diaz (Bad Teacher) smolders as Reiner’s girlfriend Malkina, contrasting sharply with Laura. Brad Pitt makes an appearance as a middleman for the deal. And this is right about where I got lost – shortly after the movie began promisingly enough with an introduction to the main players.

The chief problem with The Counselor was not one of the performances. The cast was powerless to elevate their roles above the source material, though Fassbender certainly gave it a go. Actually, they were all rather alluring characters, in their own way. But the movie was all over the place. It’s almost like some scenes were deleted and we got a rough cut. I’m talking plot holes the size of the Grand Canyon. The script lacked cohesion, which led to illogical things happening. I went to a late showing, so I wondered if maybe my eyelids got heavy at one point and I’d missed something. Nope, the consensus is that it sucked. Perhaps this movie will air on cable one night and you can laugh at the unintentional comedy. That’s the only recommended viewing for this stinker. Grade: D